He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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