The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
