I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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