Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
