when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
