My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
