I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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