we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
