he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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