I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
