Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
