Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
