mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
please come you make the beer taste better
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
