I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
