a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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