who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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