It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
