I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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