Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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