I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
