he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize