If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize