My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He shit in the fireplace
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
