Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
