The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
