I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
