That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize