My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it hurts more in the daytime
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
