Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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