i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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