im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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