john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
