Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Hippo gnu deer
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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