either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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