there's paper in my vomit.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
