i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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