I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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