You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
