I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
