Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
