Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Don't EVER smell your tampon
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
