i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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