on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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