somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
