I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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