Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
