I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
