I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
