Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
