My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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