In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
