mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
