From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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