yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
