Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
