Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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