ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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