Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
