who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
