Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
